Madness
by KiwiStar
Summary: He remembered all the small details, all the little things that seemed to matter in the world, and it was with this that he realized he hated Thor, and yet, a part of him couldn't dispel the demigod from his mind. This, Loki realized, was his descent into madness. Slight slash Thor/Loki Don't like, don't read.


**My first Avengers fanfiction, so be gentle, lol. I own no one, and this story is set throughout Thor and slightly into Avengers, so yeah. I wrote this partially for my friend, Maggie, and partially for my own amusement. My apologies for any spelling/grammar errors. Oh, and there is slight/implied slash, so if you don't like it, don't read it. This is your second, and final warning. So please read, review, and enjoy. :)**

**Love**

**Kiwi**

* * *

He remembered the first time he looked into his brother's eyes and saw nothing more than his own reflected in them. He remembered the first time he noticed his brother's smile, and the the fire it ignited within him. He remembered the first time the confliction nestled itself deep within his heart. From a distance, he looked as a younger brother should—an admiring smile cast towards the light that would always, somehow, overshadow him. But closer, the picturesque image of two children getting along well throughout their adolescence had hairline fractures. Looking at them now, one could barely perceive that the two were of any kin. They were as different any two people could be. And it seemed, as children, people were strangely incapable of addressing them as such; two different people.

And so, he had spent much of his childhood as Thor's shadow, not that he cared, or noticed at the time. As children, they were inseparable. Wherever Thor went, Loki followed; a persistent little shadow. They would jump around, playing games as siblings should while rambunctious laughter filled the halls of their kingdom. As children, he admired Thor. The mere opportunity of gracing Thor's presence was quickly snatched up.

But, with admiration came envy. He longed to be seen as Thor's equal, regardless of whether or not the blond saw him as such. Thor treated him as any elder brother would, and their minimal age difference didn't seem to matter. He felt like a younger brother simply because Thor treated him as an inferior. He had always lacked Thor's physique, the charismatic arrogance that bewitched so many; the bravery, and he had always harbored slight ill feelings towards his brother for the attention Thor received. Seldom dwelled on Thor's negative qualities, and, more often than not, seemed vehemently obliged to dwell on his one "bad" quality; that he wasn't Thor.

/

Loki drew in a sigh, tapping his fingers against his forearm as he calculated a way to get himself out of another one of Thor's blind attempts at valiancy. The breach in Asgard had set Thor off, and one did not tame a bull by grabbing at the horns. Despite his reasoning, Thor ignored his brother, rallied up his friends, and had went straight toward Heimdall. So, maybe him saying that Thor was entitled to his anger was taken as encouragement on this suicide mission. Despite the fact that he knew this idea was stupid, he went along with it, and he was sure that Thor was one of the primary reasons why. Him, and maybe the shred of glory that would be cast upon him when they returned.

Before they went through the gate, Thor smiled at him, a strange combination of familiarity, slight condescension, and love. And he smiled back, for he did love his brother. Perhaps just a little more than a brother should, and that was another facet to the numerous reasons why he resented his Thor. Beneath the admiration, the reflexive anger and inadequacy, lay the confliction. Stretched between striving for Thor's approval and being an individual, he was caught on a hook of failure.

Then there, on Jotunheim, as his horrified eyes transfixed on the cobalt that slowly ebbed over his skin, he was, for the first time, overjoyed that he was not Thor's brother. While Thor was in exile, he mulled this realization over in his head. He was not Thor's brother, and he had felt that he should've known that. He shut his eyes, instantly being met with the memory hot breath fanning across his neck and the tug of teeth against his skin. Briefly, he wondered if Thor had ever made the realization, and, if he had, was that the reason for the attention he had received from the God of Thunder. Had them not sharing any blood made a difference, and would Thor have been as attentive as he had, had they actually been brothers? A warbled choking sound reverberated from his throat, and he sprung forward, eyes snapping open and chasing those heated memories into the recesses of his mind.

"Thor," he murmured, shutting his eyes again and trying to reorganize his thoughts. There wasn't a feasible way that he could feel this way about a man who had been his brother. These were dangerous thoughts, and his mind returned to the time Odin stared disapprovingly at him, questioning their antics. Their father stood tall and proud with a knowing gaze as the questioned passed his lips.

"Have you two been fornicating with each other?"

And that was the first time he had ever lied to Odin.

/

The next time he saw his brother again was a surprise to him. He had not expected his brother to show, he hadn't expected his brother to change, or to be welcomed back into Asgard. He did, however, possess the ability to alter his plans to suit such surprises. A surprise, he'd admit, that was slightly pleasant, and would have been more pleasant had Thor not been as infuriated as he was. Loki smirked, amusement hazing his features as he absorbed the larger man's presence. They fought, not as bickering children, or vain lover's quarrels that always ended in burning memories, but as rivals.

"I've changed," Thor murmured, worry creasing his brow as Loki stepped forward.

"So have I," he paused, studying Thor with a curious gaze. His eyes fleeted over him, searching for the affection in Thor's eyes. For a moment, he thought it had passed, until he saw Thor's hesitation. The blond leaned forward, ever so slightly, his tongue darting out to moisten his lips. "Now, fight me." He struck, and Thor flew back, sliding across the floor. "I never wanted the throne! I only ever wanted to be your equa—"

He was cut of by a pair of lips encasing his own, and the sharp crack of his head slamming against a wall. A slightly sound escaped his lips and he squirmed, unadjusted to the hands pinning him down. Feverish, blistering, he returned the kiss, skilled fingers raking through blond tresses. He was lost, senses fading as his mind numbed. He cursed Thor for having such euphoric effects on him. Breaking away from Thor, detaching himself from whatever their relationship actually was, seemed impossible. How could he be an individual, separate piece form Thor when a part of himself was in Thor?

Thor took a step back. "I will not fight you, brother."

"I'm not your brother, I never was."

/

A descent into madness, that is what his fall from grace was labeled as. He was cast away from Asgard and exiled, just as Thor had been. Only he knew he wouldn't be returning on some noble notion of self-sacrifice. No, he knew he would be brought to Asgard in shackles. This attempt at Midgard was nothing more than Jotunheim reflected onto him, and deep withing his heart, he knew he would fail. Lightning flashed, and his body tensed, wincing at the thought of seeing Thor again. They hadn't departed on good terms, and he still resented the strong, stable, overshadowing presence of his brother. A brother bound not by blood, but by heart, and denying the fact that they were brothers by heart would simply be another one of his carefully crafted lies.

A snort came from one of his captors, Captain America, or so he had heard. "What's the matter, scared of a little lightning?"

"I'm not overly fond of what follows," he murmured, knowing quite well that Thor was in a less than amicable mood. He thought Loki was dead, and Loki hadn't been the one to tell him otherwise. No, he had learned from Heimdall that Loki was still alive, and Loki knew that that angered Thor. He winced again as a sharp thud resounded on the roof, rising above the steady beat of rain. Then, his brother appeared in the doorway, grabbed him by his collar, and pulled him away. As the rain drenched his skin, he glanced at the blond. Anger flashed in the blue orbs, and as he found a place to land, they were mixed with several emotions.

Hate. Worry. Love.

"We thought you dead."

"And did you mourn?" He doubted it, especially after the night on the bridge. Thor's eyes softened, and he nodded, extending a hand out to Loki. Thor's hand gripped his throat, but it was far from an imprisonment.

"I did. We all did. Our father..."

"_Your_ father. He did tell you my true parentage, right?" Loki pushed Thor's arm off, scowling as he rolled his shoulders.

"I still believe you are my brother. You were raised as my brother, and therefore, you shall always be my broth-"

Loki whipped around, fire dancing in his eyes. "I will always be seen as your brother. Cast away, living in the shadows of your _greatness_. I was pathetic because I wasn't _you._" He jabbed a finger into Thor's shoulder. He remembered this, a scene which he had sworn he had seen before. This was years upon years of being tossed aside coming out. A buzz and a shudder later, and he was pinned against a rock on the side of the cliff. Thor's hands encased his face, and the elder leaned forward. Loki's eyes widened, Thor's warm breath caught on the air.

"You give up this poisonous dream. You come home." The humble tone caught him off guard, particularly in contrast to his own demands. He shook his head, his eyes never leaving Thor's. This life he had been stuck with was volatile; one big confliction after the next. Looking into those eyes, he counted the emotions they had portrayed. And he took a breath in, wondering how he could hate and love a man as much as he did Thor. It seemed impossible, yet he refused to lie to himself any longer. He had fallen in love with the one man he hated most.

He had descended into madness.

/

"Are you ever going to _not_ fall for that?" He smirked, turning to face the now-imprisoned Thor, who growled and struck the wall of the chamber. After all the years of keeping each other company, he would've expected Thor to pick up on the fact that not every word that came out of his mouth was the truth, not that they were all lies, either. One night, long ago, Thor had asked if he had loved him, and he responded with a yes. That, had been the truth. The comment made about being beside each other through everything was a lie, whether he had known it at the time or not.

"_Loki,_" Thor grumbled, eying the God of Mischief closely, as if trying to detect more trickery. "It doesn't have to be this way."

"Yes it does, Thor. Don't you understand, Thor? _Don't you_? I spent my entire life living within the confines of your shadow. I only ever wanted to be beside you."

"You were always beside me, brother. You know how much you mean to me, how much I value you, Loki." Thor's eyes met Loki's, and the raven-haired man was nearly taken aback. Thor's eyes burned, and in that moment Loki knew that the memories that embedded themselves into his head has also taken their place in Thor's. "_Loki."_ It was a plea, a beg that he had rarely been able to emit from him, and it ran through to his heart. Clearing his throat, the sauntered over to the panel, his finger hovering over a button.

"Do you think me mad, brother?"

"I think you misguided. I remember, brother, quite well might I add."

"I looked to father for guidance, a terrible decision considering he spent his time guiding you, the _rightful king of Asgard_."

"Are you being so foolish over a title? Over a throne and a crown? That crown would've met nothing to me had I not been able to have you by my side." Thor's fist shuddered against the wall, and Loki shook his head, trying to process the information. "You are just as selfish as I was."

Loki shook his head, not willing to admit that Thor was right. The grudge, the selfish shroud that hung across his shoulders. He fought to swallow the quaver in his voice. He tried to avoid Thor's gaze, but, as if retracing an all-too-familiar pattern, they fell directly onto them. Loki squared his shoulders, "The humans think us immortal. Shall we test that?"

"Loki-"

His mind replayed it in his head. He had fallen in love with the one man he hated, the one man who had been the most welcoming, the one that had guided him through the storm. He remembered the nights as children, where his magic danced across the walls, lulling a fussing Thor back to sleep. He remembered listening intently to the wild stories of adventure Thor told, trying to ease the mind of a young and frightened Loki. His lifelong friend and nemesis were the same person. Loki shut his eyes, feeling the rush of skin against skin, the whispers that fell into his ears, the light trailing kisses along his collarbone; it was all still crystal clear in his mind. And, it had been the same for Thor, he could see it in his eyes.

As he watched Thor tumble out of the aircraft, the thundering voice came to rise in his head. The words had been spoken to him long ago, and he faintly remembered the night on the bridge, his one last kiss from Thor.

_"Loki, this is madness."_

Was it?


End file.
